Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Three Dozen Days

According to my creepy little fetus counter in the upper right hand corner, we are officially at 36 days and counting. This means three things:

a) I've reached the "Holy shit! It's almost time!" trimester.

2) There is something so wrong (but oh so right) about having a creepy little fetus counter. I mean, seriously, have you even clicked the green "Tickle Me" button? This is the laughter that horror movies are made of.

iii) I'm huge.

Regarding my hugeness, after a lifetime of being used to slipping sideways through tight crowds, I've recently noticed that my stealthy crowd slide has given way to regularly assaulting strangers with my belly. It turns out that I'm now wider when I turn to the side than when I plow straight forward. I've realized that I'm actually wider from the side these days. This is a little disconcerting, and definitely hard to get used to, but Ryan reassures me that I'm not fat. He says I'm "bulbous."

Huge. Rollable. Bulbous. Whatever adjective you choose, there is only one truth - I've got a nearly full grown baby inside of me.

Unfortunately, those pictures are from over a month ago. Until I get some new pictures (which may require a fish eye lens at this point), here is a fairly accurate depiction of The Belly.

Since I've been a bit of a slacker about updating the blog lately, there is a lot of catching up to do, and I'm not going to do it all in this post. In theory, that means there will be more frequent posts from me. Then again, in theory, baby poop could taste like bacon.

So, just when my Yoga classes end, Birthing classes began. This must be the world's way of doing everything it possibly can to make sure I don't forget how to breathe in the next month.

For nearly two and a half hours, we moved into various positions, and breathed. Sitting, standing, on our side...every which way. I found myself cheating a few times, and only pretending to breathe.

Now it was time for fake labor drills

"Lay on the floor. And pretend you're having a contraction! And breathe! BREATHE!"

Well, hell. If labor was as easy as laying on the floor and breathing, I don't think they'd have invented epidurals. Then we hold ice for a minute and breathe. Obviously, this is a dead on simulation for having a contraction. The instructor tells the partners to whisper agreed upon words of encouragement. Ryan and I agree that our encouraging words would be, "Harden the fuck up!"

The instructor is not pleased with us.

1 comment:

TVC15 said...

... a fish eye lens ... "harden the fuck up!!" .... too awesome ... :)

Hope you're feeling well sweetheart! Do me one favor though, before actually birthing Slagathor, you gotta take a shot at replicating that photo where the dude is using his belly as a beer shelf. One day, it shall make the awesomest Mother's Day card ever.

xox! myb!