Friday, November 7, 2008

Love Tentacles and Cheesy Poofs

You know things will change. You wait for it. The suspense is almost intolerable. Then one day, you wake up and everything is already different. And this ain't even the tip of the iceburg.

My belly has been growing. Fast. Damn fast. I know this because when I see people who I haven't seen in a few weeks, they greet me with a not so subtle, "Oh shit!" This was a change I'd been fearing, that is, before I realized all of the rad perks that come from ascending from "oddly fat" to "way the hell knocked up."

I can do anything.

I get automatic first in line bathroom privileges. If I ask to try a bite of someone's food, they'll give me half their plate. I'm not allowed to clean out the kitty litter or clean with toxic chemicals. People are insanely nice, even as you're swiping their empty grocery cart.

The only downside so far has been having to shake up my exercise routine. And, yes, there are incredible women who mountain biked until their last month and, in lieu of pain killers, chewed broken glass while in labor.

I am not one of these women.

My ego just can't handle going 5 mph and walking down rocks I know I can ride. Yeah, yeah, I'm pregnant, I've got a good excuse for going slow. My belly might know it's growing a baby, but my ego does not.

My solution was to start doing things I already sucked at, namely swimming and yoga. The yoga class is just for us knocked up types, which was good, because I can so kick another preggo's butt at yoga! Except, we ended up spending most of the class just sitting there imagining things, like say, giving birth. When this resulted in a collective panic attack, the teacher told us to, "Pretend our hearts have tentacles, and imagine those tentacles reeeeeaaaaaching into every part of your body that needs a little extra love."

Seriously, love tentacles? Seriously?

Later, we closed our eyes and "experienced our inner goddesses." I experienced the pain of suppressed laughter, some Cheeto induced heartburn, and a few kicks from Slagathor Megatron, the Third (we're working on middle names).

Everything we did was slow. I kept hoping that things would speed up and we'd eventually have a yoga race or something, or maybe break up into teams for some full-contact yoga, like hockey but with stretchier pants. No such luck.

The thing is, with all the cheesyness and unbearable slowness of the class, my shoulders started aching, then my quads were on fire. The next day, my everything hurt.

I am definitely not winning at yoga. Next time, I might see if my love tentacles can pick up some slack.

In other news, Ryan has been out of town this week, which means I got to do some buck wild preggo partying*.

(*Preggo Partying: Going to bed by 9PM and eating Cheetos with the dog in bed. Hoot! Hoot!)


ninabomber said...

and you're only five months...WOW! Slagathor is gonna be a 10 pounder for sure! You are soooo pretty darlin', besos!

schuzamptons said...

You look fantastic!!!! FYI- Katie and William are also having a boy. They estimated her peanut to be 2 oz. more than slagathor...... are you guys creating super-mutants to take over the earth? Love you guys!!!!

dwight moody said...

Next time the teacher goes with "tentecles of loves," just think about "Mutilated Lips" by Ween.